ATELOPHOBIA
Atelophobia is the fear of not being good enough or imperfection.
Atelophobia is classified as an anxiety disorder that can affect relationships and makes the afflicted person feel like everything they do is wrong.
Atelophobia is classified as an anxiety disorder that can affect relationships and makes the afflicted person feel like everything they do is wrong.
Hey. I have so much in my mind right now.
Insecurities, unloved, unappreciated.
It is not my first time to discuss this personal issue on this site. I took an attempt to dig in my old posts for you can have a reference, but I was not successful. Too much sadness.
I never been, am not and will never be enough.
And that was just proven today.
Proven.
QED.
Quod erat demonstrandum.
Sa Math, isang simpleng shaded square.
I love my family, not obvious, but God knows how could I give them anything I have. But hello, never I received any appreciation from them. NEVER. I grew up asking for recognition from them, I received nothing. I never been enough. Now, would you blame me that I look down on myself too much?
I had three persons that I loved. They were all capable to leave me. Pvtangina. Actually, I cannot write anything that involves love right now. Pero what I know is that I loved them unconditionally. I loved them with all my heart, of me, but still, I never been enough. Now, would you blame me to be scared of this fvcking thing called love?
I always liked learning. Kaya gusto ko sa school. I experienced going to school kahit walang baon nung high school kasi ayoko sa feeling ng umaabsent at wala ako sa mga lessons. I was a good student. But college happened. UP took almost all the confidence I have. Thought was accepted, I am never enough. Now, would you blame me to forget the mistakes I have?
People come and go. Friends were met. Haters existed. Treated them all with the kindness I know, but they will speak ill of you in any way. I will never be enough for them. Now, would you blame me to choose only few people to interact with?
"Nothing hurts more than trying your absolute best and still not being good enough."
That is why we (my friends in office) work more. Not for the recognition/salary appraisal actually, but the action needed. We work overtime. We use our precious time for special tasks. We waste our resting/sleeping/gala time for work. And we never applied those hours for an overtime pay. Because we, ourselves, decided to work overtime. They do not ask for it.
Samahan mo din ng factor na nasanay ako since moving on phase ko when I work until I die. Plus, I work with friends, hence, it was never a torture to be with them for more hours.
And yes, factor na I see one of the persons I loved sa boss ko. Inspired na ewan. Don't get me wrong. Fvck. I am fvckin sure that I am not in loved with my boss. I hope I made myself clear on that.
Last week, I probably had the most weird working hours in my lifetime
07-18 Mon: OFF - but office asked us to stay in headquarters
07-19 Tues: 2AM - 10AM
07-20 Wed: 0720 10AM - 0721 6AM
07-21 Thurs: 6AM - 1PM
07-22 Fri: 11AM - 7PM
07-23 Sat: 6AM - 2PM
07-24 Sun: OFF
Three different issues. Finished them all.
And do not ever try that. You will lose yourself. You will lose it in the black hole that leads you to the nothingness of your worth. I warned you.
Then your boss will treat you like you did nothing. End of story.
And quoting my tweet earlier:
And he asked me to send an email about that. What the fvckin fvck. Do you really know me?! Ipapahamak ba kita?! Paking shet.Resignation letter has been ready for almost a year now. Request to be demoted has been ready for almost 3 or 4 months now, almost threw it away. But I have plans. I will be gone soon, I swear, Sir.
"To be good is not enough when you dream of being great."
And that kills me now.
I never been, am not and will never be enough.
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