Leaks

I came back to my Father's house (for the nth time, as I am dark like that) last November. Do you know the feeling of being incomplete? You want to praise Him but you are ashamed because of everything you've done? You want to go to church but you know yourself well so you will conclude not to enter? Do you know the feeling of those?

I gave myself a gift of forgiveness last November and decided to visit and come to church again after years. It is not that difficult. I was just hard on myself thinking He will never forgive me. But His grace and love embraced me that time, whispered welcoming words.

Everyone knows that I am unemployed until now. The depressing thoughts and feels never failed to visit me almost everyday. But I denied it. I focused on the thought that He alone knows what is the best for me. Though of course, a side of me thinks it as a defense mechanism not to be sad. I guess that is what my Tatay was telling me about. False faith? Idk if the term is correct.

Anyway. What I am trying to tell is I tried my best not to feel any negative for the last (approx) six months. I am either neutral or happy. Of course, as a Merryl, natural lang yung mataray moments.

But tonight, I cried. Exclude of course the tears produced by anime and movies I watched, but it was my first time to cry in pain tonight for the last six months. Yes, the last time was during the farewell party.

I am not sad. I just know my life is not its best state now and I am helpless. I guess, it is okay to cry for a minute. I hope He would not take bad of it. I hope He would understand me for the n+1 th time. I hope He continues to answer my everyday prayer asking Him to control my emotion.

I am not sad. I am not sad.

Excuse my disarranged flow of thoughts.