I ate dark chocolates again

Darkness. I wonder how near I am from it?

I just finished watching Death Note. Di ko alam kung weak lang ako or super bigat lang nung series. Napa-blog ako oh. I planned to write about Naruto, previous work and many other things, pero tinatamad ako. Pero ngayon, di ko kinaya. Sobrang bigat ng puso ko. Di ko alam sa sarili ko kung bakit.

Naiiyak ako. If you will check my tweets earlier this morning, ramdam mo grace ni Lord. Pero no, after I woke up at late afternoon, something changed. 

I never said that I am completely fine, completely kind, good and holy. I think I will never be.

I experienced darkness several times. There were phases that I wanted to end my life, mostly because of heart break - either romantic or me being an atelophobic. There were times I hated TheOneUpThere. There were times when I realized my mistakes and then I felt so ashamed that I never wanted to be near to Church, let alone be inside of one.

Fragile. Alam kong fragile ako. That is why mababaw luha ko everytime I feel the grace of God. Sobrang overwhelmed whenever I feel His embrace and love and grace. 

Kilala ko sarili ko and I know that I have darkness inside me. Para siyang maliit na balloon lang pero once na pumutok, magkakalat sa sistema ko. I can be "religious" today, then evil tomorrow. 

You might ask, ba't hindi ko iniiwasan mga series na ganito if fragile pala ako? Honestly, for the past few months, akala ko okay ako. Na onti onti, nawawala na yung darkness sa loob ko. God knows how much I try every single day not to feel any negative feelings or emotions, especially, the evil and demonic ones.

Sigh.

I guess writing these relaxed me. Mejo okay na ulit puso ko. Ramdam ko na ulit light. I am thinking to disregard this post or keep it in my drafts. Pero I think I'll publish it. 

I guess because, ayoko talaga na mabait ang image ko. My recent tweets/IG posts are too nice. Let this blog post put an equilibrium.