A heart for a man and a heart for a woman
I just tweeted my sorta secret realization.
Apparently, showing ng MMK ni Jake Zyrus tonight. Di ako nanuod kasi, di niya ako fan and ayokong nanunuod sa ABS haha petty reasons. Pero trending siya WW kaya nalaman ko, opened that hashtag then read some comments na maganda daw yung episode. Kewl. Now, I'm curious. Haha
But this is not of course about Jake. Hello, blog ko oh. Will document some events as a bisexual individual. Duh, as if you do not know about it. My friends probably know already all that I am about to share. Events pero feeling ko tungkol lang sa mga special someone ko ang maisusulat ko. With this, parang proving siya na bisexual nga ako haha.
It all started nung college. But during December 2008, Christmas break. My mother confronted me kung ano ba daw talaga kame ni Ex #1 (ofcors, won't mention her name here) Sabi ko friends. Haha. But to cut the long story short, eto linyahan namin non.
Yep, may iyakan ofcors. Pero hanggang ngayon, wala naman akong pinagsisisihan. Siguro, slight na guilt kase napaiyak ko si nanay and shempre disappointed na naman sila ni tatay sakin. Pero yung disappointed part, ibang kwento na yon.
Ex #1
Ex #1 and I just became official ng September 2008. Nanay asked me na makipagbreak daw ako nung time na after namin magusap, pero kenatbi. So nung nagbreak kame, that was February 20009 if I remember it correctly, joke time lang. I mean, walang label pero we still did things that couples do.
Nagkabalikan din by August 2009 siguro yun, kasi here comes sa story yung isang brad ko sa org. Kumplikado, basta ngakabalikan din and natapos yung phase ko with SAM-UP Brad #1.
Then, break up again ng March 2010. During Induction sa org, via tex. SAM-UP witnessed one of my most wasted states. Haha. (Hello Batch, dito ka umiyak non haha) And side note lang na nahiya ako sa SAM-UP family ko non, kase mugto mata ko tas andun sina Lo Bujo, La Sheine at Ninong Arvin. Huhu. Anyway, may something pa din after non. Makulit ako eh. Pathetic moments.
Pero I reached my limit when Pearl (her roomamate, Hi nak :D) told me that Ex #1 was already sleeping with someone that was not me. Yeeeep, Induction din non by night haha. March 2011. Galing no. Impulsive haricut, inaway pa ko ni Sis non kasi naka cocktail dress kami sa gabi, mahaba daw sana buhok ko. Haha. After that sem, I went directly to Nanay' office (from Elbi) and cried my heart out.
So matagal ang moving on phase ko non. Haha. Nadamay pa ang isang sis non, ka-aura niya daw kase. I was a MemCom head sa org tas I had some things with this one then-applicant. Apparently, she was doing some things also with my best friend. Si best friend nag spill so ayun, cried all out one night sa apartment ni Yuichi because of that. Then it ended.
After SAM-UP sis, I was still drinking because of Ex #1. I even asked a brad na kunware kame para lang magmove on. Pero shempre, cliche ang mangyayare. Hahaha.
Batman
So eto na, si SAM-UP brad #2. I call him Batman in most of my entries here. We were friends before. One of my very few guy best friends actually for some time. Though, freshmen pa lang kami, kalat nang crush ko siya. Niloloko ko pa siya nung aplikante days niya sa org. Then, we became close naman, he shared stories with his girls. I was okay naman. Inaasar and was giving him advice din.
We became closer nung MemCom na din siya and I was honing him as my successor. Ah, trivia, dalwa lang kaming candidate for MemCom head nung time na inassign ako, close fight daw (I was not present during the voting session, ROTC ew)
Something's not right with my heart na nung around January 2012. Yun kasi yung month na kunware kame kase I did some favors para sa kanya nun. Tas nalaman niya tungkol sa feelings ko nung late February. Then had things with him na nung March 2012. Ended April 2012. Galing no.
But may mga follow up dramas pa shempre, kasi nga pathetic ako. Obsessed. Wasak inside, pero not that much outside - lutang was the right term to describe me. Yun yung time ko na nagmmove on ng hindi naman naging kayo. Gusto mo ng closure, pero hindi naman naging kayo. Naghahanap ka ng valid reasons niya kung b't niya ginawa yon, pero wala kang karapatan. Hahaha. Side story pa na galit sayo majority ng org dahil sa nangyayari samin non. Haha. Hahaha talaga.
I reached my limit sa guy na ito nung time na sobrang nagmakaawa na ko pero hatred lang talaga kaya niyang ibigay sakin non haha, September 2012. Dito papasok sa story si Ex #2.
Ex #2
One night, mga late August 2012 siguro, Ex #1 visited Elbi (yep, graduate na siya non ako hindi pa) with her girlfriend of course. She contacted me and informed me that she was in the area that night. I arrived at Tresto not knowing that her girlfriend was there also. So badtrip na. Tas pilit pa kong kinakausap nung girldfriend niya kasi lasing. Sinama ko nga pala si Sis non shempre, in case. Then muwi na lang kame.
WaCASan that sem, early September 2012, mas nagkaron ng time na magkwentuhan kami ni girlfriend ni Ex #1. Exchanged our mobile numbers, she also slept sa apartment namin. Since that day, we became textmates. She called when she knew that I was with Batman that night and was crying in front of him. She did her best to make sure that I was okay.
Late September or early October 2012, she broke up with Ex #1.
We had some things by end of October. We were officially girlfriends by April 2013, shempre sinigurado ko munang gagaduate na ko. Haha. Lived with her nung nagstart akong mag work, August 2013. Everything was okay pero shempre may kontra sa bawat story. December 2013, an incident happened. And I was first one to utter that word, "mag-break" Hay. Fraud team saw me at my most wasted state in my life. Haha. Bes, probationary pa ko non hahaha. Buuuut.. sabi naman niya love pa din naman niya ko. We lived together for another year. December 2014 when she admitted na in love na siya dun sa reason ng break up namin. Haha. History repeats itself.
I cried my heart out kay Ninang that month. Then she asked me na umalis na sa condo. Hehe.
Shempre, as usual, pathetic moves again. Asking reasons, searching for my own reasons to make me decide na mag move on na. Then an incident happened ulit, that was May 2015. Wala na, at last, naubos din ako. Her last words to me was, "Umalis ka dito. Ayaw na kita makita." Since then, di pa ulit kami nagusap or nagharap. Haha.
CG
The most complicated one. Kasi ako mismo, hindi ko alam kung love ko ba talaga siya. Pagka-interview pa lang niya sakin, crush ko naman na siya. Haha. Oh diba. I had Ex #2 kaya I never thought na I'll eventually fall in love with him. Pero magegets niyo ba kung hindi kasi talaga ako in love. Para andun lang yung feelings ko, nagstuck sa phase ng falling in love. Pero hindi ko masabi na I fell in love.
Magulo. In denial ako ever since. Until nung nagbreak na kami ni Ex #2, I would forever choose Ex #2 over him. Pero after non kase, naging neuter ako haha. Yep, inaasar ko pa siyang crush ko siya non. Malay ko naman di ba.
Pero honestly, hanggang ngayon di ko alam kung minahal ko nga siya. Ang nangyari kasi, talagang sabi ko sa sarili ko, "Oops Merryl for sure walang mapupuntahan yang feelings mo sa kanya. So stop na. Don't ever try to fall in love with him. Kahit sabi nila, nahuhulog ka na." Yep, sabi nila. Haha. Kasi hindi ko nga ma-admit. In denial.
Magulo. Kaya hindi ko alam pano magmmove on. Kasi di ko alam, kung kailangan ko nga mag move on.
Hahaha. Haha. Hahahaha.
So ayun. Hindi naman ako nakainom. Kape lang naman (as usual) nasa tabi ko ngayon. Pero nasa mood akong isulat lahat ng to. For documentation. Hmmm.. parang bin kasi tong blog ko ng emotions. So once na nasa bin ko na siya, never ko na ulit pagbubuhusan ng emosyon yung thought na yun. Bale ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung maikkwento ko pa kahit sino dito sa entry na ito. Makweto ko man, super wala nang emosyon.
Isa sa mga realizations ko tungkol sa sarili ko is never akong nag move on. I just erase them sa mundo ko. Fooling myself na never silang nagexist sa buhay ko. Ofcors, I have no choice sa mga times na pwede ko silang makita. Pinaka problema ko dito ay si Batman. Kasi most of the times, factor siya kaya di ako naattend ng events sa org. Iwas na makita siya.
Hmmm narealize ko din na somehow, mas sexually attracted ako sa girls. Hindi ako masyado natingin sa mga tao pag nasa labas, pero once na manuod ako sa ikot ng mundo, mga babae ang napapansin ko. Mas madalas niyo kong mariringgan ng, "Uy ang cute ni ate" than " Ang gwapoooo!"
For me, mas madaling mahalin ang babae. Siguro dahil, babae ako? May idea ako pano pakitunguhan ng tama sa isang relasyon ang babae. Ang guys kase, grabe, isang malaking puzzle most of the time. Either way, parehong masarap ang feeling pag in-love at pareho din intensity ng sakit pag heartbreak.
One time, nung nag-usap kami ni Ann (Hi Ann :D) sabi ko sa kanya, "Alam ko yung feeling mo. May realization ako na kung ayoko nang maging kumplikado kanila Nanay and Tatay, mas sort of "aim" ko na lang na mag-asawa, magboypren. Kesa mag-gerlpren"
Sort of sad. Kase nadefine talaga ako ng society, ng parents ko. Pero no hard feelings. I just pray, seryosong pray kay God, na bigyan na lang Niya ko ng guidance sa kung anong gusto Niya.
Hindi ko naramdaman na humindi siya sa times na may girlfriend ako. Ako lang talaga salabahe. Yung love na naramdaman ko during my relationships with Ex #1 and Ex #2, ang good eh. Ang sarap sa feeling. Haha, if I remember it correctly. Haha. Pero seryoso, never mo maiisip na evil siya. I believe na pati yung kind of love na yon, galing din kay God. Weird no.
Ayun lang. Sana hindi kayo naguluhan sa flow of thoughts ko haha. Well, if ever na natapos niyong basahin to :))
#LoveAlwaysWins #GodIsLove
Apparently, showing ng MMK ni Jake Zyrus tonight. Di ako nanuod kasi, di niya ako fan and ayokong nanunuod sa ABS haha petty reasons. Pero trending siya WW kaya nalaman ko, opened that hashtag then read some comments na maganda daw yung episode. Kewl. Now, I'm curious. Haha
But this is not of course about Jake. Hello, blog ko oh. Will document some events as a bisexual individual. Duh, as if you do not know about it. My friends probably know already all that I am about to share. Events pero feeling ko tungkol lang sa mga special someone ko ang maisusulat ko. With this, parang proving siya na bisexual nga ako haha.
It all started nung college. But during December 2008, Christmas break. My mother confronted me kung ano ba daw talaga kame ni Ex #1 (ofcors, won't mention her name here) Sabi ko friends. Haha. But to cut the long story short, eto linyahan namin non.
Nanay: Ano ka ba talagaSo ayun. Honestly, di ko alam mararamdaman ko ngayon na tinatype ko siya. Pero pag tinatanong ako kung pano nalaman ng parents ko tungkol sa gender pref ko, yan ang kinukwento ko.
Me: Bi po
N: Anong Bi
Me: Bisexual po
N: Hindi ka bisexual anak. Galing ka sa kin kaya alam ko
(blah blah)
N: San ba ko nagkulang
Me: Wala. Ako lang to
Yep, may iyakan ofcors. Pero hanggang ngayon, wala naman akong pinagsisisihan. Siguro, slight na guilt kase napaiyak ko si nanay and shempre disappointed na naman sila ni tatay sakin. Pero yung disappointed part, ibang kwento na yon.
Ex #1
Ex #1 and I just became official ng September 2008. Nanay asked me na makipagbreak daw ako nung time na after namin magusap, pero kenatbi. So nung nagbreak kame, that was February 20009 if I remember it correctly, joke time lang. I mean, walang label pero we still did things that couples do.
Nagkabalikan din by August 2009 siguro yun, kasi here comes sa story yung isang brad ko sa org. Kumplikado, basta ngakabalikan din and natapos yung phase ko with SAM-UP Brad #1.
Then, break up again ng March 2010. During Induction sa org, via tex. SAM-UP witnessed one of my most wasted states. Haha. (Hello Batch, dito ka umiyak non haha) And side note lang na nahiya ako sa SAM-UP family ko non, kase mugto mata ko tas andun sina Lo Bujo, La Sheine at Ninong Arvin. Huhu. Anyway, may something pa din after non. Makulit ako eh. Pathetic moments.
Pero I reached my limit when Pearl (her roomamate, Hi nak :D) told me that Ex #1 was already sleeping with someone that was not me. Yeeeep, Induction din non by night haha. March 2011. Galing no. Impulsive haricut, inaway pa ko ni Sis non kasi naka cocktail dress kami sa gabi, mahaba daw sana buhok ko. Haha. After that sem, I went directly to Nanay' office (from Elbi) and cried my heart out.
So matagal ang moving on phase ko non. Haha. Nadamay pa ang isang sis non, ka-aura niya daw kase. I was a MemCom head sa org tas I had some things with this one then-applicant. Apparently, she was doing some things also with my best friend. Si best friend nag spill so ayun, cried all out one night sa apartment ni Yuichi because of that. Then it ended.
After SAM-UP sis, I was still drinking because of Ex #1. I even asked a brad na kunware kame para lang magmove on. Pero shempre, cliche ang mangyayare. Hahaha.
Batman
So eto na, si SAM-UP brad #2. I call him Batman in most of my entries here. We were friends before. One of my very few guy best friends actually for some time. Though, freshmen pa lang kami, kalat nang crush ko siya. Niloloko ko pa siya nung aplikante days niya sa org. Then, we became close naman, he shared stories with his girls. I was okay naman. Inaasar and was giving him advice din.
We became closer nung MemCom na din siya and I was honing him as my successor. Ah, trivia, dalwa lang kaming candidate for MemCom head nung time na inassign ako, close fight daw (I was not present during the voting session, ROTC ew)
Something's not right with my heart na nung around January 2012. Yun kasi yung month na kunware kame kase I did some favors para sa kanya nun. Tas nalaman niya tungkol sa feelings ko nung late February. Then had things with him na nung March 2012. Ended April 2012. Galing no.
But may mga follow up dramas pa shempre, kasi nga pathetic ako. Obsessed. Wasak inside, pero not that much outside - lutang was the right term to describe me. Yun yung time ko na nagmmove on ng hindi naman naging kayo. Gusto mo ng closure, pero hindi naman naging kayo. Naghahanap ka ng valid reasons niya kung b't niya ginawa yon, pero wala kang karapatan. Hahaha. Side story pa na galit sayo majority ng org dahil sa nangyayari samin non. Haha. Hahaha talaga.
I reached my limit sa guy na ito nung time na sobrang nagmakaawa na ko pero hatred lang talaga kaya niyang ibigay sakin non haha, September 2012. Dito papasok sa story si Ex #2.
Ex #2
One night, mga late August 2012 siguro, Ex #1 visited Elbi (yep, graduate na siya non ako hindi pa) with her girlfriend of course. She contacted me and informed me that she was in the area that night. I arrived at Tresto not knowing that her girlfriend was there also. So badtrip na. Tas pilit pa kong kinakausap nung girldfriend niya kasi lasing. Sinama ko nga pala si Sis non shempre, in case. Then muwi na lang kame.
WaCASan that sem, early September 2012, mas nagkaron ng time na magkwentuhan kami ni girlfriend ni Ex #1. Exchanged our mobile numbers, she also slept sa apartment namin. Since that day, we became textmates. She called when she knew that I was with Batman that night and was crying in front of him. She did her best to make sure that I was okay.
Late September or early October 2012, she broke up with Ex #1.
We had some things by end of October. We were officially girlfriends by April 2013, shempre sinigurado ko munang gagaduate na ko. Haha. Lived with her nung nagstart akong mag work, August 2013. Everything was okay pero shempre may kontra sa bawat story. December 2013, an incident happened. And I was first one to utter that word, "mag-break" Hay. Fraud team saw me at my most wasted state in my life. Haha. Bes, probationary pa ko non hahaha. Buuuut.. sabi naman niya love pa din naman niya ko. We lived together for another year. December 2014 when she admitted na in love na siya dun sa reason ng break up namin. Haha. History repeats itself.
I cried my heart out kay Ninang that month. Then she asked me na umalis na sa condo. Hehe.
Shempre, as usual, pathetic moves again. Asking reasons, searching for my own reasons to make me decide na mag move on na. Then an incident happened ulit, that was May 2015. Wala na, at last, naubos din ako. Her last words to me was, "Umalis ka dito. Ayaw na kita makita." Since then, di pa ulit kami nagusap or nagharap. Haha.
CG
The most complicated one. Kasi ako mismo, hindi ko alam kung love ko ba talaga siya. Pagka-interview pa lang niya sakin, crush ko naman na siya. Haha. Oh diba. I had Ex #2 kaya I never thought na I'll eventually fall in love with him. Pero magegets niyo ba kung hindi kasi talaga ako in love. Para andun lang yung feelings ko, nagstuck sa phase ng falling in love. Pero hindi ko masabi na I fell in love.
Magulo. In denial ako ever since. Until nung nagbreak na kami ni Ex #2, I would forever choose Ex #2 over him. Pero after non kase, naging neuter ako haha. Yep, inaasar ko pa siyang crush ko siya non. Malay ko naman di ba.
Pero honestly, hanggang ngayon di ko alam kung minahal ko nga siya. Ang nangyari kasi, talagang sabi ko sa sarili ko, "Oops Merryl for sure walang mapupuntahan yang feelings mo sa kanya. So stop na. Don't ever try to fall in love with him. Kahit sabi nila, nahuhulog ka na." Yep, sabi nila. Haha. Kasi hindi ko nga ma-admit. In denial.
Magulo. Kaya hindi ko alam pano magmmove on. Kasi di ko alam, kung kailangan ko nga mag move on.
Hahaha. Haha. Hahahaha.
So ayun. Hindi naman ako nakainom. Kape lang naman (as usual) nasa tabi ko ngayon. Pero nasa mood akong isulat lahat ng to. For documentation. Hmmm.. parang bin kasi tong blog ko ng emotions. So once na nasa bin ko na siya, never ko na ulit pagbubuhusan ng emosyon yung thought na yun. Bale ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung maikkwento ko pa kahit sino dito sa entry na ito. Makweto ko man, super wala nang emosyon.
Isa sa mga realizations ko tungkol sa sarili ko is never akong nag move on. I just erase them sa mundo ko. Fooling myself na never silang nagexist sa buhay ko. Ofcors, I have no choice sa mga times na pwede ko silang makita. Pinaka problema ko dito ay si Batman. Kasi most of the times, factor siya kaya di ako naattend ng events sa org. Iwas na makita siya.
Hmmm narealize ko din na somehow, mas sexually attracted ako sa girls. Hindi ako masyado natingin sa mga tao pag nasa labas, pero once na manuod ako sa ikot ng mundo, mga babae ang napapansin ko. Mas madalas niyo kong mariringgan ng, "Uy ang cute ni ate" than " Ang gwapoooo!"
For me, mas madaling mahalin ang babae. Siguro dahil, babae ako? May idea ako pano pakitunguhan ng tama sa isang relasyon ang babae. Ang guys kase, grabe, isang malaking puzzle most of the time. Either way, parehong masarap ang feeling pag in-love at pareho din intensity ng sakit pag heartbreak.
One time, nung nag-usap kami ni Ann (Hi Ann :D) sabi ko sa kanya, "Alam ko yung feeling mo. May realization ako na kung ayoko nang maging kumplikado kanila Nanay and Tatay, mas sort of "aim" ko na lang na mag-asawa, magboypren. Kesa mag-gerlpren"
Sort of sad. Kase nadefine talaga ako ng society, ng parents ko. Pero no hard feelings. I just pray, seryosong pray kay God, na bigyan na lang Niya ko ng guidance sa kung anong gusto Niya.
Hindi ko naramdaman na humindi siya sa times na may girlfriend ako. Ako lang talaga salabahe. Yung love na naramdaman ko during my relationships with Ex #1 and Ex #2, ang good eh. Ang sarap sa feeling. Haha, if I remember it correctly. Haha. Pero seryoso, never mo maiisip na evil siya. I believe na pati yung kind of love na yon, galing din kay God. Weird no.
Ayun lang. Sana hindi kayo naguluhan sa flow of thoughts ko haha. Well, if ever na natapos niyong basahin to :))
#LoveAlwaysWins #GodIsLove