Love, friendship, laughter
Lol. Hindi kinaya ng tula ang lungkot na nararamdaman ko. Sobrang bigat pero di ko mapinpoint kung ano sa mundo ko ang mali.
Triggered lang ba ng pag alis ni Ovy or triggered ng mga oras na di nagrereply si Dan.
Ah yes, hello Bloggy. Mukang di mo pa sila kilala. I'll tell you about them.
Si Ovy. Friend, siya yung tinutukoy ko sa entry na ito at ito pa. Napakasignificant niya sa SiP life ko dahil siya ang nanggising sa kakulitan ko sa office. Yung wavelength namin, saktong sakto. Overlapping. Kala mo iisa heartbeat namin. Though madami kaming differences lalo na sa preference ng pagkain. Hahaha. Ayaw niya sa sushi!!! Hindi mahilig sa pizza! Maygad, u know that Japanese and Italian are my top 2 cuisines. Hmm oh well sa ramen nagkakasundo kami. And besh! She loves Chinese cuisine! U know my take on that. Ugh. Hahaha. Kaya kapag dinner out, usually, Samgyup. Haha.
I can talk about anything to her. From some random thoughts to random happenings in my life. I was an open book to her. Though minsan mejo guarded ako sa mga sasabihin ko sa kanya. Either she might be offended or ako ang maooffend sa reaction niya. Lol. Minsan, nasasaktan niya ko in simple ways like there was a time na hindi niya shinare na may labas sila ni Rhea (a new friend by transitivity) pero di ako sinama. Lol. Yea, yea, that was me being petty and childish. Pero what I felt was, share lang naman, no hard feelings once nashare. Pero kasi di sila nagshare, parang feeling ko tuloy may tinatago sila sakin or ayaw nila ako kasama. Either way, can understand naman basta nagsabe. Lol. Di siya big deal, pero mukang big deal kasi dito ko lang shinare that very moment. Anyway, yun nga. I can talk to her almost everything, and take note, she's 5 years younger than me. Minsan di ko alam if I had to talk as an ate to her because I feel not good enough to give advises nor lessons (Ohyea, there's the atelophobia issue again) Sooo.. I thought treating her like a twin will be much easier than treating her as a younger sister everytime I talk.
Office (Hahaha yes, not life) happened just a week ago and voila, nawala siya sa mundong ginagawalan ko. Proximity matters to me. Quality time ang love language ko. Are those enough to explain why I feel this way? My heart aches like I broke up with someone. Moving on, everyone knows that that's the last thing on my list of special skills. It was like someone broke up with while everything was going on smoothly. Yes, she leaving the company was part of the plan but I never thought that it will be done SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sudden.
Ang sakit. Kanina (technically, yesterday) was the first work day without her. I tried to laugh it off pero to no avail, I rendered overtime just to divert myself from the thought na hindi kami sabay uuwi (yep, usually isasabay niya ako hanggang Q ave). Took my tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime commuting that I left office past 10pm and I just got home near 12 midnight.
I wanted to cry. I wanted a time off. Ang bigat and I think this is because of her not being around. Did you know that my psychiatrist named her as my human anti-depressant? Sobrang happy lang everytime I was with her. Laughter lang. Wala pang limang beses ata na malungkot kami ng magkasama. Sakin ha, not sure on her side. Kahit pag inis kami, we just laugh it off lang. Sobrang saya lang with her. Kumokota ako sa saya eveytime na magkasama kami.
As of writing this very words, I am still waiting for my tears to run down. Gusto ko na mailabas tong lungkot ko. Pero besh, wala. Walang nalabas. Ambigat bigat na sa pakiramdam.
Di ko alam, baka dahil yung level of friendship niya with me is not ar the same level as mine. I am not sure if ganito siya kalungkot na naghiwalay kame. We discussed about my problem ng expectations, the 87% thing. I don't want to elaborate this one but I hope my future self will remember. Baka 87% din naman yung kanya, takot lang ako to admit that someone might actually felt I am/was special to her.
Kanina sa commonwealth habang nagaantay ng jeep, I was thinking VERY SELFISHLY, hindi ba pwedeng nagstay siya kahit one week for me? Ganon ba ko ka-worthless? Do I not deserve to be a reason to stay? Yes, I know there are A LOOOOOOOOOOOT of things that matter. Pero hay, Merryl. Why do you think that way? You know that you should not think that way, but still? Seriously?
Masakit parin sa loob. Ewan kung ano ginagawa ng gamot ko. bakit nararamdaman ko to.
Anyway, gusto ko na lang fetus position muna. Idk how to tell about Dan. Baka next time. Hay Merryl. Wala pa diyan yung issue mo sa mga taong may maskara at yung pulitika.
Try mo na matulog, self. Utang na loob.