The Love Overflows Tonight

Hello self,

How are you? Yes, you. Puro ka Dan eh. Hahahaha. 

Oh well. I gotchu. Yung pakiramdam na sa sobrang sarap mag mahal, para kang nakalutang ka sa langit. Lahat ng takot, iindahin mo. Parang ang tapang tapang mo para isugal ulit ang lahat ng sa iyo. Pero besh, tayo tayo na lang magkakampi dito, tira ka for us ha? Sabi nga niya, "Don't forget to protect yourself." Yes, coming straight from him.

Kaya yung tula puro magulo eh, irony.. paradox.. Magagalit siya pag natatakot ako sa thought na aalis siya, pero hindi niya masabi na magsstay siya. Definitely, this is a gamble.

All in.

Ngayon ko lang ulit naramdaman yung ganito. Sobrang pagmamahal yung nasa loob ko. Hindi ko masabing mali eh. Kasi nakakapag isip pa ko ng maayos. Besh, dahil yon kay Dan. Sobrang perfect person niya for me to love. He knows how to calibrate my feelings. He tells when to slow down, he draws the line, he is healthy for my romantic side of me. 

Hence, I cannot foretell if I'll do self destruct IF EVER iwan niya ko. But heaven knows how much I pray for him to stay. How much I want to have him all to me. Pero I doubt. With all the lessons na tinuro niya sakin? It would be my insanity who'd control me if ever magself destruct ako. He taught me so many things. Matalino naman din tayo, besh. Bobo lang talaga when I let my emotions take over.

The day when I said I love him, it's a signal. A license for him to hurt me. He didn't ask me to love him. It's my choice. 

We started as sex buddies and we became friends. And as cliche as it sounds, pero na fall tayo besh. Anong magagawa ko, marupok ako sa mga may sense kausap. Haha.

Ilang tula na naisulat na natin para sa kanya pero wala pa ring tayong tamang mga salita sa pagdescribe kahit kalingkingan ng nararamdaman natin. Anona. Baka umalis siya bukas, at maging dahilan pa yung pagkukulang natin sa mga salita.

Kahit ano man ang mangyari, ayokong magalit tayo sa kanya. Hindi siya magiging Ana, Rae, Joco, o Dj. He's too precious to be compared to people who caused melancholic nights. I love him, and I know this feeling is healthy. I am fully conscious of my romantic/emotional level every day. Hence, I know when to patch things up. 

Tonight is an example. I want to let this feelings out of my system. Para akong nagdedetoxify pero hindi toxins. Some good feels lang na sobra sobra sa systema ko. Gets?

Again, he's too precious to be mad at him. Sa kahit anong sitwasyon. 

Pero self, tama pa ba? Na ako, tayo na naman ang sisisihin mo pag nasaktan ka? Or kung magiging in denial ka sa sakit, ako na naman sasalo ng katangahan mo?

No. I can do this time. If not, this will be the last. I believe that I deserve to be loved with the same level that I can do for them, for him. I'll wait for Dan. He knows which, how much and when. I can only trust this relationship we have. I can only trust him. I can only trust myself not to fall apart, this time.