DEAR DAN (OPEN LETTER NO. 3)

Hello Beb,

Before anything else, I want to tell you that I was so happy last night. Until this afternoon when we parted ways to our respective homes. I love you and nothing can change that -- not even the thought that has been bothering me these past few days. The thought of you leaving me.

I can feel that it will be sooner than we have been thinking. I hope that I am wrong with this gut feel. That's why I deliberately told you that you cannot leave me for the following months - neither November nor December. Those months are too precious to write another heartbreaking memory on it.

You're not as responsive to my chats as before. I feel like you are just seeing me because we promise to do so. I can feel the you're tired already with my sickness and rants and emotional breakdowns. 

I am seriously scared. I hate whenever we are not together. You might feel the urge to find another girl that you can spare some time with. You might feel the need to talk and meet someone better - and there's a lot out there.

And by that time comes, I have no weapon to use against you. Just my love in its purest form. Hoping that it can save me from being left behind, again. 

I sincerely love you, man that I cannot force you to stay with me if I am already too much to handle, even I know it will be a death of another part inside me. Deeeeeep inside. That no one can heal, no one, not even the One Up There.

Times like this. I know it's not my sickness' fault that I am feeling awful as this. I had enough serotonin from your hugs last night. I have enough norepinephrine from my meds. The pain is real. And the fear of being left again crawls into my skin.

I love you too much that I am thinking if I have to let this be into your knowledge. I don't want to chain you into my darkest room where I can kill you with my overwhelming love. Again, you're too precious to be hated on.

Beb, love, Dennis, Dan, I was so tempted to cut everything between us last night, even my wrist. That very thought tears me apart. But I was too scared if I'll be able to handle the pain when it will be me who would cause my very own heartbreak.

But this thing between us, the longer it is, the deeper it gets into my heart; the more precious it is, the more painful it gets. I am bothered of this paradox inside me.

Can you save me from this, love?