Me today

Hello.

Currently sipping my second cup of coffee for today. And yep, took anti depressants na.

I wish I can just literally pour out my thoughts into this platform, pero waley, need ko pa itype pa and by typing nafifiliter siya.

Currently listening to my Spotify playlist the composed of my favorite old (subjective) songs, here's the link >>  oldies #defme. Chose this now because it's familiar and not at the same time. Familiar yung music pero di ko masabayan which is need ko whenever I think. Hahaha. Same effect ng kdrama osts and anime songs. Hue hue.

I just want to update you with my life status, trying. Hahaha. Mejo nawala ako sa mood pero I need someone to listen to.

1. MoS - guys, it's Masters of Statistics. Yes, iba siya sa MS which is Master of Science in Statistics. Anyway, ayun, I AWOL-ed kasi last time. 2018 pa ata, not sure maygad. Natatakot akong kalkalin yung documents ko dun. Soo not sure if uulitin ko yung subjects ko last time. P0ta di ba. 10 units din yun. Times 2,500php per unit. Hahahhaa. Sana hindi. Balak ko sana bumalik this AY 20-21 1st Sem. Pero given this pandemic situation, tinatamad na ko. Dami ko pa aasikasuhin. Pero pag ganun kasi, malabo na yung goal na matapos ko siya by age of 30. Sad p0ta. Sayang. Kaya ayoko magstop that time eh, pero kung hindi naman, ako ang magsstop. I was so wasted and drained during that time - emotionally, mentally, and financially. Hay. I just want to finish that MoS. Same push, gusto kong may mapatunayan sa sarili ko. Definitely hindi for people around me 'cause I won't be ever enough and pleasant naman. So bahala sila. Haha. Hayyyy.

2. Meds - I want to continue taking it. It makes me act like a normal person. Like a real merry Merryl. Hahahaha. And it helps me to sleep ng maayos. The sad part is, as you can see, I am very dependent na. I overdose din sometimes. Very seldom actually na lang kasi nagagalit ng seryoso si Dan hahaha. Pero you see my dependency? Hay.

3. Family - Alam niyo bang double arbiter ako. Between Kuya and Abey, and Tatay and Nanay. Kaya minsan yun yung reason ko to live on. Mag aaway sila pag wala ako. Walang ibang gagawa non. Good harmony isa sa mga life mantra ko. Ayoko ng away. Ayoko ng nasisirang relasyon. Well, I don't say that my family is not in good terms with each other. Puro tawa nga kame this past few days haha. Laging puno kwarto ni kuya (hindi lang dahil aircon) but we bond kasi. One of positive outcome ng quarantine sa family namin. I just want to prevent any chaos dito sa bahay. Kaya bantay ko lagi yung dalawang pair haha. I just feel the responsibility of doing it. 

4. Work - 35% gusto magresign, 65% gusto magstay. Idk if the convenience overpowers the boss issues. Or the trauma of job hunting overpowers standing for my principles. No further comments kasi kung growth lang naman, I have. Just see ​5 Reasons People Stay in Toxic Cultures

5. Dan - Shempre, di pwedeng walang "lovelife". Alam niyo bang hindi naman talaga kami. I wrote a poem the other night habang video call kame. And I said, baka in love ako sa romanticized version niya sa utak ko. Tapos naparealize niya sa kin that when that romanticized version exists in my mind/heart, that implies that expectations exist. May point. I am torn between staying and waiting beside him, and exploring for new people. Pero the thought that he's perfect for me (not saying he's perfect per se) keeps me from entertaining new people sa buhay ko. Like, I don't know if they will be perfect as Dan. At least, if ever ma-fall si Dan sa'kin, IF EVER, alam kong always ko siyang mamahalin, kasi nga very perfect na siya for me. Di ko na kailangan mag adjust. Ang galing no. Ganon siya kaperfect for me. Yun nga lang, di pa in love sakin. Hahahaha. So dun lang sa part na yun ako nagaadjust. Adjust ng expectations. Dapat versatile ang life goals - either magkatuluyan kami or not.

6. Me - Aside from mental disorder, I am concerned with my figure. I know, I know. Mataba na ko. Pero okay lang naman talaga sakin. Hahaha. Pero may part ng utak ko na gusto ko maging pleasant to certain people - family (as in Tatay, Nanay, Kuya, Abey) at Dan. Sa kanila lang. Kaya mejo nacoconscious ako. Nakakainis nga. Yun lang bagay na nacoconscious ako, though sa piling tao lang. Minsan naeemplhasize siya sa utak ko. Nageexercise ako for my cardio, really. Kasi nga gusto ko maghike soon. Ayoko i-deprive yung sarili ko from food (which is kase yun ang effective way for me to lose weight). So bahala na. Hay. 

Ayun lang naman. I have to prepare our lunch na. Hahaha. Next time, pag enough ang emotion, regarding politics naman ipopost ko. Hahaha. Galit na ko eh. Char.